| Thursday, May 24th, 2012 |
| 2:37 am |
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| Monday, June 28th, 2010 |
| 2:05 am |
Well were to start. It began as any other day. Kids around were don’t know were but Johnna does. Jacob hand mail an then do this that and the other things. Watching tv waiting for friend come over. Struggling threw aspect the girlfriend pregnant and wants to keep it. Trying to get it together for going to be father. Trying to get a job. Watching him pet Ivory, Johnna cat. She is over heated an has hair trigger. But for some reason she just loves him no matter what. Johnna is laughing and ivory happy Jacob is sweet as be to her. He then leave and Johnna leave to do the things that needs to done. Then Jacob friend Dave come in say I have call his mom. Jacob hit telephone pole. I run stairs to get Rebecca (That is one Jacobs’s sister.) She call and Dave leaves an then we wait. Johnna come home with Rachael and then there Jessica and Garret as well. They go off hospital to wait. Rachael boyfriend come over an have tell him what is going on. I wait some more and then some. Rebecca comes in tell me that dead. She has tears running down her face. I think that just prank and he all right waiting for get upset and then come threw the door. I keep waiting for to be over and then not true. I wait until see it Johnna face book that he is really died tonight. I know that heard the wail in me head early that THAT MY SON IS DEAD OOO MMMMYYY GGOOODD GOODDESS HE HAS DIED. I feel that ripping me apart. I want go room smash all up make not so. I can feel the pain that all around me. I am deaf so don’t what everybody saying. I see the tears and sorrow and grief that he has died. We have had part of us die this night. We never be the same. I never thought that out live him. That cat will out live him. What WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON’T SPOT IN THE WOOD TO RETREAT TO WORK WHAT GOING ON IN SOUL. I DON’T WANT TO WALK AROUND I KNOW JOHNNA WILL BE UPSET IF WALK AT NIGHT. I wanted him to see child born. To live life that long and full wonderful things that happens in it. His child will only know stories of him. He is only 21 year old. That not enough for a life. It just began!!!! The dreaded what if or this or that and other things that going threw my head. I don’t understand? I know him for close 9 year. I love him all ways. But he held self back for didn’t want disloyal to his father. I understood that. He say that don’t care but all ways have cared. To me action spoke loader then words do. When need something and had to give I did it. When needed I just watch what doing I did it! Help when needed yelled when needed got mad happy sad joyful laughter wanting just hang out with him. Watching the kid play together. Rachael graduation part was just last week. They all playing together and having fun. Grandma and grandpa and Grammy Pat. They were having blast. Now that over with forever more. My tears will last life time. I miss him everyday that live and then afterward as well. He has part of my soul with him. Yes He was human as we all are. Good and the bad and in between as well. But love him all the same. Were does one start after that. What does one do after that? I see his cat wonder how long before start miss him. Gods our fickle things. Just bang that over with. He to young. What the hell!? I just want scream destroy something! Rage against the dying of his light!!!!!! FUCK SHIT DAM!!!!!!!! |
| Monday, June 21st, 2010 |
| 1:27 am |
Writer's Block: Father nature
That my child hood was over and then finaly moved out of the house I was free from all that crap. That is favorite memories |
| Friday, April 16th, 2010 |
| 12:41 am |
Well It’s been awhile since posted. The good part that the horrors that dual in my dreams are not bad use to be. I don’t mind not having the fear wake cold sweat. The thousand one things the make scream. But there something that good with all that bad, To see things that outside the norm. To experience something’s that so profound that changes how one see life. The bad with med is that sleep walk with knowing it then if one does get one doesn’t know one get in to trouble one fall asleep and boom the house shakes once again. Bing on food or go threw the laundry basket for wanted a shirt pants for the next day. Then some what good part and bad I can’t help the spirit or soul that stuck have hard time moving on. Some reason that stuck hard work threw it. There is some things that mind or hold them to this realm. Not pleasant at all. It how the died or emotional that seem hold them here that so strong that overwhelm everything in there life and afterward. Some just don’t know it. Point it out that they hanging around an just need push. Other make the other horrors in the dream seam tame and so dumb be afraid that kick self when come back around. Well just found out that uncle died 2 weeks ago. I live few states over. I didn’t even know he died an they bared him. Deaf don’t talk on the phone. I scene him rally when growing up for white trash that the name mother. Didn’t want him around, when she left. My uncle grandfather came around again. But Dad remarried and she didn’t want around either. So he didn’t bring around. I don’t stuck out saw him or what. That years later found him nursing home brought him home. Lucky his 3 wife lou didn’t mind one but welcome in to there home. He had variety medication that had watch him all the time. He forgets more and more didn’t talk all that much the last time saw him. But when he with Dad, my Uncle you can see the love that felt for each other. Even when bugging the crape out each other as well. He was happy!! He Was loved and felt it. He may died not know what going on. But felt the love never the less. I miss You Uncle Dave. I see you on the other side or the next life. Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Thursday, May 14th, 2009 |
| 12:28 am |
To Poopy and SNow
Well My ferret Poppy aka LOKI aka Rat boy. I have had him for over 9 years. And just last year his partner in crime SNOW died. When she came in to are live hr furs was like new snow on the ground. She was lovely creature. She loved to play as much Poppy did. Those two were such trouble that drove me crazy. But I wouldn’t have it any other way I loved her as much loved Poppy. I still love them. I all ways love them until end time. They bought so much love playfulness in to my life. Snow taught Poppy so many things that they all ways in trouble. Then knew that they were doing wrong, I just laughed my ass off. They all ways stealing things an hiding them, Poppy loved to steal candy bar, peanut butter cups. Johnna would be yelling about who took her candy. Then find them hiding in the corner or under something eating it. They drove me to crazy love them just as much. Snow died slowly. She wasted away. The last tumor on tale that was removed got infected. It took weeks of keeping clean and disinfected it every day. But then she lost half fur and starts to not eat or drink. She tired out easily. I find her fast asleep some were. I tried enticing her peanut butter every day. But she eats less and less of it. She was just skin and bone before died. I broke my hart watch her waste away. 2 strokes, she couldn’t use left side face. I was filled with dread wondering when she was going to die. When she finally did I was glad that she out pain moved on to the next life. Flea free! All the peanut butter that wanted all those chocolate bars for self. She will be able play all she wanted get all sort of trouble. She still bugs when in our bedroom. Johnna youngest made elaborate things for them play in when was back porch. She bugs me when alive and bug me now that dead. I miss her so much. I look wondering every day for long time about her. I know her face body. I never forget her. She loved me as much loved her. I miss the time that played everyday. The first few week when just Poppy it was really hard for him and me. His partner in crime was not there anymore. I can see the confusion in his eyes when look for her and can’t find her. He adjusted after awhile but was not the same. Poppy. When he came in to my life. I didn’t know things about ferret. He was covered in flea and took weeks to get ride of them. But I couldn’t stand the fact that prison got hour outside each day and he didn’t. I took the time let him out. Ask Johnna was he was doing. Why was he doing that? Slowly he just wormed his was in to my hart. He all ways find way bug me. Usually biting the crap out of me, I couldn’t tell how many time he made me bleed! From cleaning the cat litter box, to cleaning his litter box, to sweeping the floor to about anything’s. He was bright. The favorite things that make everybody laugh was when climb in to my reclining chair and found the crack were butt was at. I remember reading a book and felt something touch my butt. I jump out look around to see what was. I couldn’t find a thing. So sat back down an started to read my book again. Then there was pain right butt check. I jump up once again and tried to figure it out. I am looking around seeing who could do this. But at last nothings their once again. So the butts check biting. I push down on the sit cushion. I see his head come out an try to bit my hand. Since then I all was watch for that. I just miss him. I haven’t even been 24 hours yet. When left Johnna asleep in the bedroom, I had checked my self for things that normal do. Put away princess in the bathroom. Get recycle off the floor. Make sure that there are no cups on the floor. Nothing with rubber either, Johnna has extract essential oils. Some have rubber top to them. Some reason that he has to have them and hide them as well. Even take my books tries to hide them. He dragged one that over thousand pages. I couldn’t figurer out how did that. The book out weight him. Just right now I don’t what to do. It been so many years that doing this that time can’t wait other time I dread it. I feel this ack that have guts. There hole in me now that he is gone. Right next to it is hole were snow is. I don’t what to do with out them. They have filled my life with fun and crazy things that they do. I have been crying for him. I new that time was soon. Just that he had hard death. Took over 3 hour before past. The seizer was the worst. The death throw were bad. I cried and cried. There was nothing that could do. I can tell that major pain. I can’t do a thing stop it. It still breaking my hart to watch him go threw that. OOO good Goddess take him in shelter him from the pain that had go threw at the end. Please take what every energy that need in the spirit world from me. I give it freely. Just like gave it to snow. I hope that like that bared you in raspberry patch. I good place to hide and find all sort of things. Please come back dream’s show what else you found now that moved on from this mortal life. The fye well come you. The love the things that cause all sort trouble. I sit here and wait for him bit my toe. Or just see what doing or just want’s a little snuggle, an scratch that itch > or is it peanut butter time. I in pain just thinking about him, I still feel the loss with now Current Mood:  crushed |
| Monday, April 27th, 2009 |
| 4:56 pm |
body that live in pain
I hav elived in pain more the then the kids have lived. when johnna and pounded out the rules in which we were to live by with the kids. I Had to take few more med just level me out and sleep so that Johnna like it. But same time she didn't want to the kids about all the medical condition that live with. I took 13 years to walk without cain I got out wheelchair. I do what docotor tell me to do. Were I can't work or do normal things. I don't have much time computer Library right have cut short. Just that racheal yelling at me for the reason that have no control over. I can't work. I live in pain day in day out. Have her yell at me Johnna laught at me. I can't describe how it feel to me. I hurts so bad. Just laught at the pain the indure and that she doesn't want hear about when say bad day. SO once again I Keep to myself not threw this board. I wont to scream yell break thinigs make so that they understand what I have live threw. What give just forhour of just no pain or fear infectioin. to eat to sleep to run tojump to play to work to do so many things that just hard to say. The worse part all she still hasn't divoce her husban after all these years. |
| Sunday, June 4th, 2006 |
| 4:17 pm |
Well the first off I didn't realizes that we had to be home at a certain time.
For you see I didn't know that. I thought that the plane for today way getting the garden in at your mom house an then food store. Things were fine for then out blue I have know idea what going on with you. What going on in the house as well. Just like all ways I say "if you want me to know. write it down. But then nobody took the time to write it down an there thins that going on that I have know idea what!?
I did not realized that you haven't put money aside for brushwood. Until said that you have know idea how to feed the house for the next week if wanted to go brushwood. I still don't understand what were when why of things that going on. So yes I get mad when you everybody else talk to me about things then get upset when don't know what is going on. Planes changes an nobody tells me.
right now I am mad about things that have know idea what about this house hold. You get mad everything that You think that do on purpose, which I don't do. I feel like outside in the place were I thought that belong. So you everybody else make plane talk to each other so that everybody know what is going on in there life. If I just guess if wrong, so what! Everybody else will know think that asshole dumb stupid or what wrong with you. It coming clearer and cleared that nobody will take the time make sure that know what actually saying. I am so tired of this that want to scream. So you and everybody else know things that never know share there lives together. I just do what do try figure out what going on in life. I feel further an further away from everybody seem like they don't care. I am so tired that want to scream cry yell just I don't know?
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| Wednesday, January 11th, 2006 |
| 6:19 pm |
Current Mood:  weird |
| 6:18 pm |
Some days are like this!!! (Wait and watch what happens)  Current Mood: weird |
| 6:17 pm |
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I think they call that multi-tasking, right?...
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| Current Mood: weird |
| 6:15 pm |
When cloning goes BAD (whoever did this, did it really well)...............
Current Mood: weird |
| 6:14 pm |
Current Mood: weird |
| Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 |
| 7:08 pm |
Well these past few days have been hard on everybody. I can’t say for anybody else. But for me it has been hard. Johnna has been working everyday and then some. The only time we get spend together is when she asleep. If there are no phone call or other things when come home from matt. We get about 45 minute of time together. But we have arguing about everything’s and then some. I know why were doing it. Just hard when all we want to do is be together. Yes I have make sure when back off so that the kids and mom get spend time together as well. Johnna upset that she has so many years left! She wants to spend more time with them. She is jealous that I spend so much time with them? Well they don’t spend all that much time with me. They are waiting for their MOM to get home then spend enough time with her as they can. They are fighting over who get ride in the truck with MOM. I don’t hear them even suggesting that they ride with me. At least I have gotten thick skin so that doesn’t bother me as much as use to. I have certain place in there hart??? But then I am still not MOM!!!!!!!
But back to my gripe, It just that miss her so much that want her home with me. She was going to leave with out hugging me or kissing me either. But I caught her be for she left. That when found out that she will not be back until 9pm tonight. I feel so depress. I want to cry scream shout but just that I now weep In my hart and have bide my time before can get few minute of her time. I can say truly that wish like in Ohio. Yes she still work many hours, but we got spends more time with her. She didn’t have get 4;15 am leave about 5;20 am get back 2;30 pm then leave 3;30 pm them back about 5;30 pm. Then divided up that time between everybody in the house. Then I can get small amount of time with her. Yes we still had divided up her time with Ohio. But there was more time so wasn’t as bad. Here in CT the bills our getting bigger and bigger but with no relief from them. One things after another. Yes we problem in Ohio but not like this. I am waiting for the debrief on time before start all over again. We have no extra money. Worse part is that we will still need more of it and see no other way to get out of this endless debt. My infusion cost $17,426.32. That not with all those other things that tag on they added $4,000.00 since this has started. I thought that was bad back Ohio. It ran $4,800.00 a pop. But that was for the whole things. I am glad that Bio-ethic has cough up to me just yet??!?! Bad enough what with own quilt about this. But then I love life more for it just the same!
Well it still the same things. I miss her I want to spend lots of time with fight over stupid things. Not because so frustrated that snap at each other. I do truly love her!@#
Current Mood: discontent |
| Friday, November 18th, 2005 |
| 9:19 pm |
Well this past few days has it ups and down. Well it is about one ferret that we have. I named her snow for when we got her fur was white as snow. This is the second one that we have gotten. The first was to me RAT BOY aka Loki. Wit rat boy I never had ferret before. I really didn’t know what do with him or what to think other then different kind of a rat. But soon warm to my hart. It took me awhile to understand what behavioral was for ferret. Why does do this or that what was he thinking. But soon found out what it meant. Then we got snow later on. Well Like Rat Boy she was all so covered in fleas and her hair color was or lack hair was do all those fleas same things for Rat Boy. Yes the 2 cats’ we had at the time had fleas as well. Many times we sought to bring the flea infestation to stand still and get ride of it. Lots of angry cats’ and upset ferrets’. We give hour a day outside the cage have fun with them. Well I got stinky kitty she and Rat boy first started off and playmate. But when Stinky Kitty learned all his moves and got few more the Rat boy didn’t see coming did these two become enemies to each other. I had to or who every bright them out had put stinky kitty in bedroom and lock the door. When moved out CT the house we have isn’t designed for any ferret to run wild, for we learned that we had close of bedrooms and kitchen bathroom or anything that they find way to fun get into and get stuck or crape on something. It amazed me to see what trouble they get in to. Rat boy was smart but Snow is smarter them him and found all sort ways of leading Rat Boy down a path he shouldn’t go.
Well o to the last few days. You see Snow had has cyst on tail for a while. Just over the last few month has this cyst become tumor on her tail. It has been getting bigger and bigger. I wasn’t too worried. I thought that we had the time get the money in order for it taken care of. Was amazed how she used this as device to hit Rat Boy with. He didn’t know what to do then. But for last 2 weeks it has grown vary large at the end of her tail. The last week she has started to dig in to it. Her nose was incrusted with blood. The vain around it she tore threw. She started to dig her way in to tumor. This Tuesday night I was cleaning out her rat Boy cage. The thing was the size lemon now. She tore in to it and it was weeping puss and tumor goo. There was litter wood chips shit and who know what else was on it as well. I was frantic with worry wondering were can find the money to get this taken care of. I didn’t really sleep that night. When got up on Wednesday look at it. I new that I couldn’t wait any longer; I had to take care of it. I was thinking of ways to take care threw the night. We have canker sore medication. It was a numbing agent and aseptic as well. Cleaned the kitchen counter and tin foiled everything up. Done rubber gloves and used rubbing alcohol every things as well. I knew that I had one shoot of doing this right. No do over for this. Since I didn’t have anything to knock her out it had quick and clean. Lucky I did it right. I was trying to sew it up but she would stop trying to play on the counter. Just seem like couldn’t sew it up I just hold it until slow down try to tie it off. I held her for over 45 minutes. It slowed down the bleeding but not enough for my liking. So I got some thread tighten around near the end tail to close, but close enough to leave it open. I was waiting for Johnna to come home so that go to the store and get fake skin to seal up her tail. It works nicely. From that morning when look in her eye and saw the misery there the despair. I can see she was up most of the night trying to get this thing off her self. I know that kind of look. I saw in my eye’s not to long ago when sick longest time. I knew that I had to do something. I was more afraid what horror waited for not to do something then do something have her die on me. We were saving up to have put down. So I didn’t have bash her in the head. Which I really didn’t want to do, but not expensive life slowly eating away at her. Later that day seem seemed more alive. She was grooming herself again. Her fur that looks listless the day before was looking better. She had more energy then scene in her awhile. I was glad now that did it. No she not in the same cage Rat Boy. We had separated them for about year for he was biting her virginal and butt. It was bloody mess for couple week after they were apart. Took few months for heal up. She has her own cage until she healed up. We have to watch her make sure that not biting her tail or scratching at either. I have the stuff to numb the pain keep infection free. I will and would have miss her when she is gone.
Now will have more adventer or RAT BOY AND SNOW. |
| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 |
| 8:27 pm |
still don't see the use of posting anythings. why make myself feel like loser when i don't even need this crape anymore. is wanted isolation i got the up the ying yang. |
| 8:26 pm |
to cleararify the last post better
WELL WERE DO I START
Well since terry shoot himself in the head.
I have question a few things.
Such as who e-mail me about their life? Who take the few minutes or so to write about what is happening in their life. I look at what I was getting in the mail from people that I have e-mail for years and years. Well when do they write me. I can count on my finger for the last year people that have e-mail me about their life. (I am not counter the finger on my left hand) IS what I am doing right. I am writing to people in manner that they wish to tell me about there life. What interesting things that have happen to them. Read a book. Saw a movie. I don’t know but something other then nothings in return. I can say for sure that I don’t really know anything that happening people life. So why am I writing to people over and over again and wonder what is going on in their life. They know what has been going on in my life. Well I really haven’t written much this year. Why bother after the few month silence on my part realizing that other just doesn’t feel the same about me. Sure they will forward things to me, but that about it.
WHAT HAS ANYBODY DONE SINCE APRIL?
I JUST HOLD MY BREATH AND SEE WHAT HAPPEN!
At least before he shoot himself. I was deluded to think that other were as interested in my life as I was in there.
Rebus
Done this on to something else that doesn’t make feel so isolated. |
| Monday, November 7th, 2005 |
| 11:35 pm |
Hey and howdy once again:
Well I haven’t written to anybody in awhile. It is just that when Terry shoots himself it really affects me in few new ways that seems to me the definitions of insanity. What do I see as this insanity? To do something’s over and over again to hope see outcome that is different then all the other time that done this. What have I done this at. Well I have written to people for years and I really don’t get anything. Well I first thought that with a computer at home I have the time and the inclination to write to other and have them write me back. No not everyday things YES be nice to hear about person week, or month. Not maybe once a year that about it. Some haven’t really told me anything about what is going on in there life. I get forum letter that mass mailed to everybody. But that once great while, but this my seem like not big things. Well it is not like I call them anymore. IAM DEAF OR CLOSE TO IT.I have hard time just communicating to other just basic what is going on. I hope that with this understanding people would write to me more. To converse to me about life in generally. To know what is going on with other. These need to socialize. Because this only medium now that I have to share my life with other now. What is happening with others? To share this with others. To know what kind of food they like to movies books view points. Just life as they know and for me to share what is going on in there lives as well. Yes I wear the hearing aid. Then on time when I can’t, because my ears hurt way to much even think about it. Yes I am trying to find way for me get sing language. There really not that much out here for that here. But if they’re a will there is a way. Well back to the rant. He new that this was the only way for me to converse with him. But chose not to. Well The thing of it is. I tired of writing to other and have nothings sent back to me. To wonder to seek to want social life that is for more for filling. Since this is not working either I have to say failed aspect of my life. If you want to write to see or me what is going on in my life you can go my on-line-journal. But then Only 2 people post in my journal over the last year Johnna and Sadie that is it. I am not sure that even be doing that. Why waste my time in this life. With blind allies that seem to go know were.
As for live journal I don’t post that much in other either.
It just left down that electron that is binary code. This new way to talk to the world and the world will not talk back to you. Or is it just me?????? How many licks does take to get center of binary code. The world may never know
www.livejournal.com search for person rebus
rebus
time to seek other things Current Mood: fuck weary |
| Sunday, April 10th, 2005 |
| 2:17 pm |
Well I don’t know what to say from last things that Terry has done. I don’t understand IT. Why would he shoot him self in the head. Yes I know that he has been going from doctor to doctor to find out what wrong with him. But when pull pain med. Wait for Sadie to leave then call a taxi to go to a pawn shop and then come home throw blanket over his head shoot him self. I don’t know what to think or feel to say or do for this I never expected him to do. Yes he is still alive for now. But he leaves behind missary6 for those that are live. Yes He was only thing about what ever he was thinking. I can only speculate what was going on. I don’t really know for sure. Just that levees Sadie and stepdaughter to real in the after math of this shit. They will have to live with this more then I will. The worse part is that I am 10 hours away and have no way to see him or scream at him. WHY YOU FUCK HEAD>!!!!There some many things that are swirling threw my head. Johnna and I been talking about it and I have tried feel my way around this situation. But the best thing is that she here to hold when emotional whirling winds that throws me around and around. I have known him for over 20 years. Yes I do know what pain feel like. I have live with mine for the rest of my life. I know now that virus that live in my ear my or may not kill the little of the hearing that I have left. The virus has spread to my mouth. So I know that he has been under a lot of it and when the Doc took him off the heavy-duty pain pills. That was when he decided to do this. Why not tough it out for the next few months in order to get pain management program. I just want to take him shake the living fuck out of him, and then scream in his face. It still over 565 miles away for me to anything at all. I feel helpless because I can’t do anything but sit around the house feel the wall around close in. But that about all I can do for now.
Rebus
Bleaker of things Current Mood: crushed |
| Sunday, February 27th, 2005 |
| 11:50 pm |
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| 11:42 pm |
Hey and howdy
Sorry about not keeping up to date on this. Just been busy around here. When I do have some time. I don't want write about what is happening either. Just to tired from it all. Today we painted the bathroom PINK THE BATHROOM IS PINK!!! I HAVE TO GET USE TO IT FOR IT THE ONLY PLACE TO GO??? it is so dam PINK!
here is one of new store that we have open up on line if like bid on it or see somethings that some one else would like pass the address on.
http://stores.ebay.com/senseofechantment _W0QQstorecachemissZsenseofechantmentQQt Zkm |
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rebus's journal
