Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rebus' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009
12:28 am	To Poopy and SNow Well My ferret Poppy aka LOKI aka Rat boy. I have had him for over 9 years. And just last year his partner in crime SNOW died. When she came in to are live hr furs was like new snow on the ground. She was lovely creature. She loved to play as much Poppy did. Those two were such trouble that drove me crazy. But I wouldn’t have it any other way I loved her as much loved Poppy. I still love them. I all ways love them until end time. They bought so much love playfulness in to my life. Snow taught Poppy so many things that they all ways in trouble. Then knew that they were doing wrong, I just laughed my ass off. They all ways stealing things an hiding them, Poppy loved to steal candy bar, peanut butter cups. Johnna would be yelling about who took her candy. Then find them hiding in the corner or under something eating it. They drove me to crazy love them just as much. Snow died slowly. She wasted away. The last tumor on tale that was removed got infected. It took weeks of keeping clean and disinfected it every day. But then she lost half fur and starts to not eat or drink. She tired out easily. I find her fast asleep some were. I tried enticing her peanut butter every day. But she eats less and less of it. She was just skin and bone before died. I broke my hart watch her waste away. 2 strokes, she couldn’t use left side face. I was filled with dread wondering when she was going to die. When she finally did I was glad that she out pain moved on to the next life. Flea free! All the peanut butter that wanted all those chocolate bars for self. She will be able play all she wanted get all sort of trouble. She still bugs when in our bedroom. Johnna youngest made elaborate things for them play in when was back porch. She bugs me when alive and bug me now that dead. I miss her so much. I look wondering every day for long time about her. I know her face body. I never forget her. She loved me as much loved her. I miss the time that played everyday. The first few week when just Poppy it was really hard for him and me. His partner in crime was not there anymore. I can see the confusion in his eyes when look for her and can’t find her. He adjusted after awhile but was not the same. Poppy. When he came in to my life. I didn’t know things about ferret. He was covered in flea and took weeks to get ride of them. But I couldn’t stand the fact that prison got hour outside each day and he didn’t. I took the time let him out. Ask Johnna was he was doing. Why was he doing that? Slowly he just wormed his was in to my hart. He all ways find way bug me. Usually biting the crap out of me, I couldn’t tell how many time he made me bleed! From cleaning the cat litter box, to cleaning his litter box, to sweeping the floor to about anything’s. He was bright. The favorite things that make everybody laugh was when climb in to my reclining chair and found the crack were butt was at. I remember reading a book and felt something touch my butt. I jump out look around to see what was. I couldn’t find a thing. So sat back down an started to read my book again. Then there was pain right butt check. I jump up once again and tried to figure it out. I am looking around seeing who could do this. But at last nothings their once again. So the butts check biting. I push down on the sit cushion. I see his head come out an try to bit my hand. Since then I all was watch for that. I just miss him. I haven’t even been 24 hours yet. When left Johnna asleep in the bedroom, I had checked my self for things that normal do. Put away princess in the bathroom. Get recycle off the floor. Make sure that there are no cups on the floor. Nothing with rubber either, Johnna has extract essential oils. Some have rubber top to them. Some reason that he has to have them and hide them as well. Even take my books tries to hide them. He dragged one that over thousand pages. I couldn’t figurer out how did that. The book out weight him. Just right now I don’t what to do. It been so many years that doing this that time can’t wait other time I dread it. I feel this ack that have guts. There hole in me now that he is gone. Right next to it is hole were snow is. I don’t what to do with out them. They have filled my life with fun and crazy things that they do. I have been crying for him. I new that time was soon. Just that he had hard death. Took over 3 hour before past. The seizer was the worst. The death throw were bad. I cried and cried. There was nothing that could do. I can tell that major pain. I can’t do a thing stop it. It still breaking my hart to watch him go threw that. OOO good Goddess take him in shelter him from the pain that had go threw at the end. Please take what every energy that need in the spirit world from me. I give it freely. Just like gave it to snow. I hope that like that bared you in raspberry patch. I good place to hide and find all sort of things. Please come back dream’s show what else you found now that moved on from this mortal life. The fye well come you. The love the things that cause all sort trouble. I sit here and wait for him bit my toe. Or just see what doing or just want’s a little snuggle, an scratch that itch > or is it peanut butter time. I in pain just thinking about him, I still feel the loss with now Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, April 27th, 2009
4:56 pm	body that live in pain I hav elived in pain more the then the kids have lived. when johnna and pounded out the rules in which we were to live by with the kids. I Had to take few more med just level me out and sleep so that Johnna like it. But same time she didn't want to the kids about all the medical condition that live with. I took 13 years to walk without cain I got out wheelchair. I do what docotor tell me to do. Were I can't work or do normal things. I don't have much time computer Library right have cut short. Just that racheal yelling at me for the reason that have no control over. I can't work. I live in  pain day in day out. Have her yell at me Johnna laught at me. I can't describe how it feel to me. I hurts so bad. Just laught at the pain the indure and that she doesn't want hear about when say bad day. SO once again I Keep to myself not threw this board. I wont to scream yell break thinigs make so that they understand what I have live threw. What give just forhour of just no pain or fear infectioin. to eat to sleep to run tojump to  play to work to do so many things that just hard to say.  The worse part all she still hasn't divoce her husban after all these years. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
4:17 pm	Well the first off I didn't realizes that we had to be home at a certain time.  For you see I didn't know that.  I thought that the plane for today way getting the garden in at your mom house an then food store. Things were fine for then out blue I have know idea what going on with you. What going on in the house as well. Just like all ways I say "if you want me to know. write it down. But then nobody took the time to write it down an there thins that going on that I have know idea what!?         I did not realized that you haven't put money aside for brushwood. Until said that you have know idea how to feed the house for the next week if wanted to go brushwood. I still don't understand what were when why of things that going on. So yes I get mad when you everybody else talk to me about things then get upset when don't know what is going on. Planes changes an nobody tells me.     right now I am mad about things that have know idea what about this house hold. You get mad everything that You think that do on purpose, which I don't do. I  feel like outside in the place were I thought that belong.  So you everybody else make plane talk to each other so that everybody know what is going on in there life. If I just guess if wrong, so what! Everybody else will know think that asshole dumb stupid or what wrong with you. It coming clearer and cleared that nobody will take the time make sure that  know what actually saying. I am so tired of this that want to scream. So you and everybody else know things that never know share there lives together. I just do what do try figure out what going on in life. I feel further an further away from everybody seem like they don't care. I am so tired that want to scream cry yell just I don't know? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
6:19 pm	Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
6:18 pm	Some days are like this!!! (Wait and watch what happens) Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
6:17 pm	I think they call that multi-tasking, right?...   Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
6:15 pm	When cloning goes BAD (whoever did this, did it really well)...............     Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
6:14 pm	Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
7:08 pm	Well these past few days have been hard on everybody.  I can’t say for anybody else. But for me it has been hard. Johnna has been working everyday and then some. The only time we get spend together is when she asleep. If there are no phone call or other things when come home from matt. We get about 45 minute of time together. But we have arguing about everything’s and then some. I know why were doing it. Just hard when all we want to do is be together. Yes I have make sure when back off so that the kids and mom get spend time together as well. Johnna upset that she has so many years left! She wants to spend more time with them. She is jealous that I spend so much time with them? Well they don’t spend all that much time with me. They are waiting for their MOM to get home then spend enough time with her as they can. They are fighting over who get ride in the truck with MOM. I don’t hear them even suggesting that they ride with me. At least I have gotten thick skin so that doesn’t bother me as much as use to. I have certain place in there hart??? But then I am still not MOM!!!!!!! But back to my gripe, It just that miss her so much that want her home with me. She was going to leave with out hugging me or kissing me either. But I caught her be for she left. That when found out that she will not be back until 9pm tonight. I feel so depress. I want to cry scream shout but just that I now weep In my hart and have bide my time before can get few minute of her time.  I can say truly that wish like in Ohio. Yes she still work many hours, but we got spends more time with her. She didn’t have get 4;15 am leave about 5;20 am get back 2;30 pm then leave 3;30 pm them back about 5;30 pm. Then divided up that time between everybody in the house. Then I can get small amount of time with her. Yes we still had divided up her time with Ohio. But there was more time so wasn’t as bad. Here in CT the bills our getting bigger and bigger but with no relief from them. One things after another. Yes we problem in Ohio but not like this. I am waiting for the debrief on time before start all over again. We have no extra money. Worse part is that we will still need more of it and see no other way to get out of this endless debt. My infusion cost $17,426.32. That not with all those other things that tag on they added $4,000.00 since this has started. I thought that was bad back Ohio. It ran $4,800.00 a pop. But that was for the whole things.  I am glad that Bio-ethic has cough up to me just yet??!?! Bad enough what with own quilt about this. But then I love life more for it just the same!  Well it still the same things. I miss her I want to spend lots of time with fight over stupid things. Not because so frustrated that snap at each other. I do truly love her!@#                     Current Mood: discontent Current Music: want whole lot lover (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
9:19 pm	Well this past few days has it ups and down. Well it is about one ferret that we have. I named her snow for when we got her fur was white as snow. This is the second one that we have gotten. The first was to me RAT BOY aka Loki. Wit rat boy I never had ferret before. I really didn’t know what do with him or what to think other then different kind of a rat. But soon warm to my hart. It took me awhile to understand what behavioral was for ferret. Why does do this or that what was he thinking. But soon found out what it meant. Then we got snow later on. Well Like Rat Boy she was all so covered in fleas and her hair color was or lack hair was do all those fleas same things for Rat Boy. Yes the 2 cats’ we had at the time had fleas as well. Many times we sought to bring the flea infestation to stand still and get ride of it. Lots of angry cats’ and upset ferrets’.  We give hour a day outside the cage have fun with them. Well I got stinky kitty she and Rat boy first started off and playmate. But when Stinky Kitty learned all his moves and got few more the Rat boy didn’t see coming did these two become enemies to each other. I had to or who every bright them out had put stinky kitty in bedroom and lock the door.  When  moved out CT the house we have isn’t designed for any ferret to run wild, for we learned that we had close of bedrooms and kitchen bathroom or anything that they find way to fun get into and get stuck or crape on something.  It amazed me to see what trouble they get in to. Rat boy was smart but Snow is smarter them him and found all sort ways of leading Rat Boy down a path he shouldn’t go.   Well o to the last few days. You see Snow had has cyst on tail for a while. Just over the last few month has this cyst become tumor on her tail. It has been getting bigger and bigger. I wasn’t too worried. I thought that we had the time get the money in order for it taken care of. Was amazed how she used this as device to hit Rat Boy with. He didn’t know what to do then. But for last 2 weeks it has grown vary large at the end of her tail. The last week she has started to dig in to it. Her nose was incrusted with blood. The vain around it she tore threw. She started to dig her way in to tumor. This Tuesday night I was cleaning out her rat Boy cage. The thing was the size lemon now. She tore in to it and it was weeping puss and tumor goo. There was litter wood chips shit and who know what else was on it as well. I was frantic with worry wondering were can find the money to get this taken care of. I didn’t really sleep that night. When got up on Wednesday look at it. I new that I couldn’t wait any longer; I had to take care of it. I was thinking of ways to take care threw the night. We have canker sore medication. It was a numbing agent and aseptic as well. Cleaned the kitchen counter and tin foiled everything up. Done rubber gloves and used rubbing alcohol every things as well.  I knew that I had one shoot of doing this right. No do over for this. Since I didn’t have anything to knock her out it had quick and clean.    Lucky I did it right. I was trying to sew it up but she would stop trying to play on the counter. Just seem like couldn’t sew it up I just hold it until slow down try to tie it off. I held her for over 45 minutes. It slowed down the bleeding but not enough for my liking. So I got some thread tighten around near the end tail to close, but close enough to leave it open. I was waiting for Johnna to come home so that go to the store and get fake skin to seal up her tail. It works nicely. From that morning when look in her eye and saw the misery there the despair. I can see she was up most of the night trying to get this thing off her self.  I know that kind of look. I saw in my eye’s not to long ago when sick longest time.  I knew that I had to do something. I was more afraid what horror waited for not to do something then do something have her die on me. We were saving up to have put down.  So I didn’t have bash her in the head. Which I really didn’t want to do, but not expensive life slowly eating away at her. Later that day seem seemed more alive. She was grooming herself again. Her fur that looks listless the day before was looking better. She had more energy then scene in her awhile.  I was glad now that did it. No she not in the same cage Rat Boy. We had separated them for about year for he was biting her virginal and butt. It was bloody mess for couple week after they were apart. Took few months for heal up. She has her own cage until she healed up. We have to watch her make sure that not biting her tail or scratching at either. I have the stuff to numb the pain keep infection free. I will and would have miss her when she is gone.   Now will have more adventer or RAT BOY AND SNOW. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
8:27 pm	still don't see the use of posting anythings. why make myself feel like loser when i don't even need this crape anymore. is wanted isolation i got the up the ying yang. (Comment on this)
8:26 pm	to cleararify the last post better WELL WERE DO I START   Well since terry shoot himself in the head.   I have question a few things.   Such as who e-mail me about their life? Who take the few minutes or so to write about what is happening in their life.  I look at what I was getting in the mail from people that I have e-mail for years and years.  Well when do they write me. I can count on my finger for the last year people that have e-mail me about their life.  (I am not counter the finger on my left hand) IS what I am doing right. I am writing to people in manner that they wish to tell me about there life.  What interesting things that have happen to them.  Read a book. Saw a movie. I don’t know but something other then nothings in return. I can say for sure that I don’t really know anything that happening people life. So why am I writing to people over and over again and wonder what is going on in their life. They know what has been going on in my life. Well I really haven’t written much this year. Why bother after the few month silence on my part realizing that other just doesn’t feel the same about me. Sure they will forward things to me, but that about it.   WHAT HAS ANYBODY DONE SINCE APRIL? I JUST HOLD MY BREATH AND SEE WHAT HAPPEN!   At least before he shoot himself. I was deluded to think that other were as interested in my life as I was in there.    Rebus Done this on to something else that doesn’t make feel so isolated. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
11:35 pm	Hey and howdy once again:             Well I haven’t written to anybody in awhile. It is just that when Terry shoots himself it really affects me in few new ways that seems to me the definitions of insanity. What do I see as this insanity? To do something’s over and over again to hope see outcome that is different then all the other time that done this. What have I done this at. Well I have written to people for years and I really don’t get anything. Well I first thought that with a computer at home I have the time and the inclination to write to other and have them write me back. No not everyday things YES be nice to hear about person week, or month. Not maybe once a year that about it. Some haven’t really told me anything about what is going on in there life. I get forum letter that mass mailed to everybody. But that once great while, but this my seem like not big things. Well it is not like I call them anymore. IAM DEAF OR CLOSE TO IT.I have hard time just communicating to other just basic what is going on. I hope that with this understanding people would write to me more. To converse to me about life in generally. To know what is going on with other. These need to socialize. Because this only medium now that I have to share my life with other now. What is happening with others? To share this with others. To know what kind of food they like to movies books view points. Just life as they know and for me to share what is going on in there lives as well. Yes I wear the hearing aid. Then on time when I can’t, because my ears hurt way to much even think about it. Yes I am trying to find way for me get sing language. There really not that much out here for that here. But if they’re a will there is a way. Well back to the rant.  He new that this was the only way for me to converse with him. But chose not to. Well The thing of it is. I tired of writing to other and have nothings sent back to me. To wonder to seek to want social life that is for more for filling. Since this is not working either I have to say failed aspect of my life. If you want to write to see or me what is going on in my life you can go my on-line-journal. But then Only 2 people post in my journal over the last year Johnna and Sadie that is it. I am not sure that even be doing that. Why waste my time in this life. With blind allies that seem to go know were.   As for live journal I don’t post that much in other either.    It just left down that electron that is binary code. This new way to talk to the world and the world will not talk back to you. Or is it just me?????? How many licks does take to get center of binary code. The world may never know      www.livejournal.com search for person rebus   rebus time to seek other things Current Mood: fuck weary Current Music: shit on finger (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 10th, 2005
2:17 pm	Well I don’t know what to say from last things that Terry has done. I don’t understand IT. Why would he shoot him self in the head. Yes I know that he has been going from doctor to doctor to find out what wrong with him.  But when pull pain med. Wait for Sadie to leave then call a taxi to go to a pawn shop and then come home throw blanket over his head shoot him self. I don’t know what to think or feel to say or do for this I never expected him to do. Yes he is still alive for now. But he leaves behind missary6 for those that are live. Yes He was only thing about what ever he was thinking. I can only speculate what was going on. I don’t really know for sure. Just that levees Sadie and stepdaughter to real in the after math of this shit. They will have to live with this more then I will. The worse part is that I am 10 hours away and have no way to see him or scream at him. WHY YOU FUCK HEAD>!!!!There some many things that are swirling threw my head. Johnna and I been talking about it and I have tried feel my way around this situation. But the best thing is that she here to hold when emotional whirling winds that throws me around and around. I have known him for over 20 years.  Yes I do know what pain feel like. I have live with mine for the rest of my life. I know now that virus that live in my ear my or may not kill the little of the hearing that I have left. The virus has spread to my mouth. So I know that he has been under a lot of it and when the Doc took him off the heavy-duty pain pills. That was when he decided to do this. Why not tough it out for the next few months in order to get pain management program. I just want to take him shake the living fuck out of him, and then scream in his face. It still over 565 miles away for me to anything at all. I feel helpless because I can’t do anything but sit around the house feel the wall around close in. But that about all I can do for now.   Rebus Bleaker of things Current Mood: crushed Current Music: shit out of luck (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
11:50 pm	Well for the ebay store. Just copy past in search engine it will come up to our store http://stores.ebay.com/senseofechantment_W0QQstorecachemissZsenseofechantmentQQtZkm rebus seeker of things (Comment on this)
11:42 pm	Hey and howdy    Sorry about not keeping up to date on this. Just been busy around here. When I do have some time. I don't want write about what is happening either. Just to tired from it all.  Today we painted the bathroom PINK THE BATHROOM IS PINK!!! I HAVE TO GET USE TO IT FOR IT THE ONLY PLACE TO GO??? it is so dam PINK!   here is one of new store that we have open up on line if like bid on it or see somethings that some one else would like pass the address on.       http://stores.ebay.com/senseofechantment_W0QQstorecachemissZsenseofechantmentQQtZkm (Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
5:37 pm	a few thins about the world   pic07017.jpg   pic21156.jpg   pic03143.jpg   pic24163.jpg   pic09740.jpg   pic18268.jpg   pic06138.jpg   pic05909.jpg   pic03178.jpg   pic13222.jpg   pic25200.jpg   pic22247.jpg     [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<span ltr??>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. 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mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"> <TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0in" width="100%"> <P class=MsoNormal><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></SPAN></FONT></P></TD> <TD id=INCREDISOUND style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=bottom> <P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></SPAN></FONT></P></TD> <TD id=INCREDIANIM style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=bottom> <P class=MsoNormal style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"><o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></SPAN></FONT></P></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <P class=MsoNormal><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"><o:p></o:p></SPAN></FONT></P></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE> <P class=MsoNormal><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt"><SPAN ltr??><A title=http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?id=409&amp;lang=9 href="http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?id=409&amp;lang=9"><SPAN id=IncrediStamp><SPAN style="TEXT-DECORATION: none; text-underline: none"></SPAN></A></SPAN></FONT></P></SPAN></SPAN></DIV> Current Mood: i don;t know Current Music: he said she she said she said. She said your dead (Comment on this)
2:34 pm	I’m just passing this on with no further comment…… I have no view point or comment about what you are about to read. Especail to JOHnna I love I hope that for fill all your needs?! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." For example, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 27th, 2004
7:27 pm	maddes within   Well life has been going from up and down lately. It just so hard when can’t hear other talk about things in life. Even with hearing aid it still hard follow things from person to person. It all top off this day from my view what happened was that kids wanted me up for some reason that couldn’t understand why they keep on trying to wake me up. I didn’t have to do any things until later that day.  So got up and did what normal do. Brush my teeth make coffee and pee what not. Johnna come to pick the girls up for shopping and they bring Johnna client Pete with her as well. She then yells at me for not doing what ask this morning. Which I said yes to apparently? Found out that was for the turkey soup that was cooking on the stove. That I agreed to do something to it, since was still remain from x-mass dinner. For she told me that she was going to write out what should be done for it? When look at it I was wondering were the instruction on how finish it up the way Johnna want it.     What the girls were trying to get me to do was get some peace of paper and have it ready when she got here to pick up the girl’s.   I did know what she wanted to went threw the desk to see what she could need for some things or other. That I was supposed to get to the desk find something that I have know idea what it is but to get it. I was looking threw it came across photo of me that really hated. Today couldn’t stand it one bit. I had ripped it up and throw it away. I forgot to throw it way. Johnna found assumed that did it to hurt her for some reason. Which was not the point. I hated what I look l liked and the ugliest way that look in the photo. It made me sick to stomach to even look at. These past few weeks I had let people take photo of me. Which I really don’t like to have done at all, but other seem to want a photograph of me. Grit my teeth and do it. But there are know words to say what feel like when see myself in a photo. How much I hate being photographed as well. She missed the hole point what it is like to have make myself understand other when it is the hardest things to do and from time to time it get to me. I can’t stand it any longer. I want it over with. I want to hear to run to do anything’s I want to with out wondering what the price the matter is. They keep on say that saved ego. If it was my ego, that be other matter. This has to do with me all way trying to figurer out what other is saying.    Did I get it right? What are they trying to tell me? If it so important why not write it down. I know exactly what need to be done and when to do it. I be more then happy get it done. But if asleep and talk to me and I say yes for some reason or other just please who ever it is that is speaking to me. I am not all ways going to get it. There is time when nothings come threw at all. Just munbo jumbo of things that I has no meaning to me. Then get mad at me for not understand what it was that was said to me. Then to make me feel like my fault the didn’t understand what it was that needed to be done. What was said? I just can’t stand it one bit is all. It drives me up wall. How I am supposed to know all the time what it is that supposes to do. What is said to me? I don’t have hearing aid in and hard time understanding people.   Thank you Johnna for saying that I am like Steven Jessica Jacob in the regards that what you do is never enough for me. That spoiled little asshole for not getting it right the first time. That my problem is that not enough never enough for what you do for me. That is why acting like this. I just like them. How dare I say other wise for the way you see it and that is that. You miss the point that I CAN’T HEAR YOU AT ALL. I HAVE TRY FIGURER OUT WHAT IS BEING SAID TO ME. NOT HOW CAN MAKE KNOW WHAT IMPORTANT AND WHAT NOT IMPORT BY TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE IT DOWN. IT WILL TAKE LESS HASSEL AND MORE UNDETSANDING WHAT NEED TO BE DONE. But it is my problem for I didn’t get it wrights the time,.     WELL IF NOBODY LIKE IT THEY FUCK OFF. IF NOT TAKE THE FEW MINUTES THAT TAKE TO WRITE IT DOWN. SHOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS. YOU TOOK THE TIME MAKE SURE THAT UNDERSTOOD WHAT IS NEEDED. IF NOT LEAVE ME ALONE. I AM TIRED OF ALL WAY TRYING TO GET IT RIGHT.        I look in the mirror and see vileness ugliest thing in the world. I hate my ear! I hate my brain for damaged. I hate immune system for flawed for life. I hate my back I hate my penis. I hate my body it makes me sick   to look at it! I am so tired that tired of it. I can’t stand it any more. Please make go away please I am begging for go away. Leave me alone why is this happening to me still. When will it be over with. What did ever do deserve this to be done to me. Was I  so bad that it had happen to me. Can take it back I am sorry for what ever that did for you to do this to me. If mean crawl I will crawl on belly threw shit broken glass nails tak or what ever you seem to want. Just take away. I want it all gone please just take way I am sorry for what I did I sorry for what I didn’t do. Please take it back. Please I don’t know what else to do. Why must I go throw this? When will it be over with? Just give me hint please. I know that make then I can make it. Just tell me please. I do what every it is that want me to do just take away please just take  away Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
12:33 am	Hey and howdy:   Well Things are going somewhat normal here well somewhat any ways.   The girls have wanted a cat for their own for a while now. They finally got one. They even got name for the kitten. It princes lilath shadow. She is a all black kitten, with a little white strains down her from of her throat. She sure is rowdy one as well. She like rice egg’s, string beans, peanut butter sandwich as well. She was not supposed to eat this but. I didn’t realize that she was doing this. Once found out that what she was doing I put stop to it. Well the funny things about her. This morning Rachael was playing with her and out pop a penis. She was sure surprised that she was actually a he. I think that why Ivory has hard time with him. I know that take some time for the other three to use to him. They are starting to, but sure it is slow going. Her oo I mean his name Haiti.   The back porch is still has not been work on.  One person has bailed us. The one person that we didn’t want work on it has to now. Grammy Pat wanted Yes Steven to do it. Well He wanted to do things his was swearing his head off at his mom until she wanted to cry. She just left because it was easier then what he was doing to her. He had all these idea for the house. He wanted to wrap the house in plastic. Well I have things that I will do to the house. His only thing is the back porch. That is all he can do. Johnna and Grammy Pat have talk and both come agreement about this. They both tell each other stand up to him say this my house. But I think that both of them work together they get it done and with half the crap as well.   If we had the tools I would try to do it myself. I ask my Dad on line what to do about it. The trouble is doors and window. We have the whole framework for them but not sure how put them in. We don’t want to get that wrong. But still come back to having the right tools to do it with. We don’t have the money to get the tools and the supplies. So there is this catches 22 going on.     Well now for something completely different. There is going to be eclipse of the moon this Wednesday night around 9 to 11 pm. I sure the paper or new may talk of it if not What learn more go to the NASA web page and you can be on the mailing list of things that going on around the planet and beyond. Just in case here is there WebPages   http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2004/13oct_lunareclipse.htm?list110382     Well not so go things. Jacob is bucking to move in with his Dad. Never mind the things that have done to him over the past weeks. Shoving him up against the car and screaming in face that he is a fagot! Swearing   swearing and then swearing some more you WA WA cry baby. He was telling Johnna what he has been thrown with his Dad. How much he hates it there. He tells her that only want to live with her not his Dad.  But Jessica has been in his ear. Telling him all the things that do not have. The things that his Dad can only give him. It all came to head when Johnna put her foot down about him going over friend nick house during the week for sleep over then off to school. He was supposed to work with me. Doesn’t look that way either.  His plays station Died Over at his Dad house he has a motorcycle. His friend Nick has play station. (Well nick smoke pot so does his sister Jessica. It was about few month but turn out maybe even longer then that.) He has this that and the other things as well. I can see that Jacob will drop out school and work for Dad who take good part money and treat him like shit. He try to come back to his Mom when things get bad then want to go back when Dad sweet as pie needs some things from  him once again. I don’t think he should go there at all. I think that bad move for him. But then he want to he will make this house such a living hell that we want him gone. He gets what want. Either he is the nice person that every want to know when wants something’s from you. Or life is hell when doesn’t get way. Hate it when call him on behavior. For Johnna forget how long the punishment will be. She forget when there hundred one things to do. I make sure that gets the whole things. He hates him for that as well. Well Johnna changed her way of dealing with him. We were messing around with squirt bottle. Well they all load screaming and making a fuss during a TV show. I told them that don’t shut up let listen to the show I will squirt them. It fun and nothings was hurt. The Jacob was talking screaming an making thing really hard to hear. I told him if didn’t shut up I squirt him. Which he didn’t head and I squirted him ;) Then started squawk and make fuss and I warned once again I squirt you again. Which I did do. He was little wet. But started swear scream at me pick up bottle Advil was about throw them at me. Johnna was Mad as well got him not throw it at me. I am not sure what swearing he was doing at me. But sure it was not that vary nice. Instead of letting him just blow off and not take reasonability for his action. Johnna stuck to her guns. He said he go to room for the night. Which Johnna said, “ fine go ahead!” He screamed, “ fine I will!” He was in tears at this as well. She never had done this to him before. I was glad that she took step to stop his negative behavior. They talk in his room and got some things straighten out.  I just have wait and see if anything comes of this or not.   So what are you doing for Halloween night or weekend? I know that hope get lot’s lot’s of CANDY FOR ME TO EAT MY BRAIN OUT SAY NEVER NEVER AGAIN WILL I DO THIS> Well until next time that is.     Rebus Seeker of things     (Comment on this)